I thought about it yesterday before class started. And I decided on an amount that was reasonable for a monthly allowance. I even calculated roughly how much I'd spend on what, put some aside for tithe and offering, and still have over SGD150 to put away in the bank.

I'm glad I told my mom to cancel my credit cards. Its hard to see what I spent on and how much I've spent. Plus over $1000 per month is a little over the top. I didn't have the responsibility to handle that amount anyway.

I'm proud of myself. And I think God is too =)



Anyway, did up my room. Shifted both single beds together. Now the table area has loads of space BUT you'd better be careful going past the cupboard cuz you have a high chance of ending up with a stubbed toe. Those who know my room should understand what I'm talking about. I'll take a pic when the walls are painted.

Although I dont know when I'll be able to fork out the whole day for it. Tomorrow I have lesson, Friday going to CG, Saturday got service. Perhaps on Sunday.

Blogged again at 11:16pm

I just came back from lesson. Today the lecturer talked about dreams and the unconscious. It was soooo interesting.

First, what you dream of symbolizes something. There were a few biblical examples (I think the lecturer was Christian) :

Birds : Freedom
Fire : Cleansing
Water : Purfiying

Then he went on that if you dream of someone that you know, you're not thinking of that person. Rather, you're just dreaming about what the person symbolizes. For example if lets say you dream about your superior (headmaster, teacher, boss) you are dreaming about being wise, authority.

So for my case with Aloysius I guess I wasn't dreaming about him, I was dreaming about the romance.

Which goes to the next point, being that dreams are often wish fulfillment. What you dream may be what you desire. Maybe I dream about different guys its because I desire romance (which I dont get from Chris btw).

If lets say you dream about ferocious anger towards somebody. Or it can be anything else. That shows that what you're dreaming of is unacceptable in real life. But when you dream of it, the unacceptable becomes acceptable, because its just a dream. So it may be unacceptable to rant at your boss in real life, but it becomes acceptable in your dream.

Another thing is what you think about in your unconscious mind. Ever heard of slip of the tongue? It's known to be saying something that you don't mean. Actually it means saying something that you're thinking in your unconscious. So people will actually know what's going on in your unconscious when you're talking about one thing but suddenly saying something totally unrelated. It's not by accident, its what's in your unconscious mind.



Hmm~ today at lunch Chris suggested building our own desktop. Its cheaper plus you get the specs you want. haha. I guess even when it seems that there's no way I'm gonna get a desktop a way just seems to be made.


=================



I was in Cabal just now and saw one of the game's CMs (community moderator) in the channel I was in.

Here's a pic. The CM is in the tux and I'm the one in the background with the vampire wings.


Lolx I've never ever seen a CM in any game before. And does he look dashing xD he looks a little like CC regarding the face and hairstyle.


I still cant get over the dream of Aloysius.


Anyway, on a side note, is my blog hard to read? Normally when I reread the posts I've blogged, I find myself skipping words. If its hard to read, do drop a tag so I can change the skin. TQ ^^

If you're wondering why I'm up so early, there's a computer sale today at Redhill. My mom told me to get some money and go get one. Pentium 4 Dell desktops are going from $300 ONLY. I really wonder whether its really that good. I really hope its good.

Just day after my parents disapproved of getting a desktop for me, I get a call telling me to get one myself TODAY. I'm really speechless. Really ... praise the Lord.



Before my mom called, I was dreaming. Of ALOYSIUS. And in the dream he was a REAL boyfriend. Well, a normal one. But ... sigh. Its only a dream. It was such a great dream.. But seriously can u imagine Aloysius becoming a real boyfriend.. lolx.. Sher, Belle, Xiufeng and Jon should know what kind of guy he is.

LOL... I still cant believe I dreamt of an romantic Aloysius....... omg lol..

But well it was sweet while it lasted =)


=============================


Blogged again at 3:01pm

False alarm. In the end the computer fair thing was a loser. The cheapest which is SGD299 is half of what my current laptop is. Sianz. Came home so dejected. Really thought I could get a new desktop.

I want it soooooo bad!

I had a fantastic time with Bryan at CHC service this evening.

I saw Jonathan and the cell at Foyer 1, even though I didnt recognize anyone else. All new people. I enjoyed P&W so much, just like any other service with the old W271. The sermon was great too. Pst Kong talked about just the thing I was worried about. Even though it was only a few lines, I felt rejuvenated.

I didnt meet up with W229 after that because I went to have dinner with Bryan at Burger King. We had the tendergrill. I had the ham & cheese while he had the mushroom. I tell you the tendergrill was FANTASTIC. Super nice.

He sent me home after that. Reached home at about 10pm and I called Chris. He had duty today. We ended up arguing because he wanted to go to Malaysia for 2 days next month with his company ON TOP of the 4 more duties he had to do.

Sigh. And he said he'd spent enough time with me this month. Its like he fulfills certain invisible criteria for spending an amount of time with me then he expects to do whatever he wants.

He asked me to go with him too. He said next time we'll be having a joint account even though I never do anything. Need to add that meh. They're going there for a meeting. Just for a meeting?! Zzzz... Just like my dad went to Mexico for a meeting also. I really wonder how my mom tolerates this kind of expectation that comes along with his job.

Zzz want to go also no money go.. Surrendered all form of financial outlets already...


You know today, after I came back from church, I switched on my computer. But after a couple of hours of playing, I didnt feel like playing anymore. For the first time in those months that I was hooked on Cabal. I thought it'll be impossible to quit but now I'm even harbouring thoughts of it because I simply lost a little of my interest for it.

I was practically forcing myself to play because I had nothing else to do.

I guess just 2 hours in the house of God with my sincerity to change really does make a big difference.

Today a few of the admin ppl of my sch briefed us about the assignments etc. Then one of them mentioned abt attendance and she use me as example! @#$%^& I had apparently missed 3 lessons in that module and did not fulfill the attendance requirement of 75%. Walau I think she mention me because I had the only chinese name and was the easiest to pronounce.

But as a matter of fact I didnt miss 3 lessons. I only missed 2, one of which I had an MC. Turns out that last last week I forgot to sign my name on the attendance sheet -_- luckily I went to clarify if not I'd have failed it.

Sianz. This evening it was raining. Had to walk to the MRT station and I was freezing. Hope I dont catch a cold tomorrow.

Feeling so tired. And so sian. Haiz. Don't feel like doing anything at all. Assignments are gonna kill me. In fact I dont really know if I really wanna spend my life listening to other people's problems. My real love is writing but ah heck.

If only I can turn back time, then I wouldnt make the mistake of leaving behind the most important Person that I need to be with to survive.



============



I browsed through my old posts... And as usual, I came across the ones that I've been trying to avoid. My days in the church.

Every post mentioned God at least once.

If I could turn back time, and be in the same hall the same row of seats with Belle, Mike and Xav, I would cry non-stop and I will remember every second of it.

Back then, every post was happy, never sad. Even if there were sad incidents, I would end up smiling and ending the post with a Praise the Lord. If you read the posts in between, you'd see the huge difference. And you'd wonder, what happened?

My life was full in the church. Everyday I laughed to my heart's content, found joy even in working. God occupied my mind every second of every day. My silent conversation with God could take up an entire cupboard in those mere months. The best thing I ever did was to enter the church. The worst thing I did was to run away from it.

Every single thing that happened was a blessing, no matter whether it was good or bad. But now, everything seems to be a curse. I need to go back to church. I need to go back where I belong.

I just feel so empty. Like there's something missing. I used to get a lot of satisfaction and warmth silently talking in my mind and even when I'm alone, I feel like I'm surrounded by people and now its the opposite. Even when I'm with people I feel so painfully alone.

I keep gaming because that's it to my life. I've got no motivation for anything. I've lost so many things over just one silly mistake. I lost my best friend Belle, Mike, Xav, the cell group, Cat, Alvin, I even lost myself.

I'm stumped.

Saw another bill that came in today.

OMG.

I dun even know what the fish I spend on every month. Another SGD866.

Uncontrollable!! The bad (and good) thing is that I spend on entertainment and not on bags and clothes and stuff. I can use a bag (free one somemore) for 5 years and not change it, wear my younger sister's slippers and sometimes borrow her clothes, not have a pair of outing shoes of my own, and only one pair of jeans for as long as I cant remember and still live comfortably.

All my money's gone on movies, fine dining (well, to me, that is), cabal, etc. *sigh* got to stop this bad habit of mine.

So I took measures. I just sent my mom an email telling her to cancel my cards and leave the giro for transport. No allowance unless I need money. I guess that should help.


============


Today in class, we learnt about stress. That stress and anger is not harmless. Also, the two chinese words wei ji. wei xian (danger) and ji hui (chance). There's always opportunity in adversity. My company teaches that as well.

It reminded me of values my parents thought me.

"Never do what you're in doubt to do"
"Always follow your first instinct"


Which reminds me, I havent seen my dad since that time he talk to me. Dont know how to face him anyway. I find it so hard to talk to him. The only time I actually talk to him is when I need monies.


Oh wellz. I'm gonna start anew financially! I can stop being a burden to my parents already.

Okay I shall delete the previous post before I embarrass myself further.

My father cold war with me. He talked to me after my fight yesterday with Chris and he tot I didnt want to talk to him when actually I was hoarse from crying.

I doubt I'm getting my desktop now. My mom complained to him that I was playing too much games. When actually I wouldnt be playing games if I had something else to do. My school is only 3 hrs per sessions are there're only 2 sessions per week. What else can I do?

Well I'm glad they arent staying here anymore at night so they can get off my case.

I feel less suppressed.

Now 4pm le.. Hmm.. Tempted to pon sch today lolx. Even though last night slp around 10 hr, today wake up still feel like sleeping. Play Cabal with eyes half-closed......

Snore............


=================

Lesson will start in half an hour... Guess I'm really ponning today.

I wonder...whether I really want to spend the rest of my life learning abt the brain and listening to ppl's woes. In one lesson the teacher said that we must learn to listen and empathize with the client, but never take their burden as your own.

But for some counsellors, after a couple of years in practise, they may burn out. Meaning, they've been listening to so many people tell all their sad stories and their sufferings that one day you may slip into depression yourself.

Well of course there are other counsellors who separate work from their personal lives very well and still help the clients.

Hmm well.. Perhaps I should just get this course over and done with before I worry about the degree...


Chris said I got ear infection. LOLX.... How does one get an ear infection??? I need the see the doc soon to get some drops. Chris said that if I dont take action to get rid of the infection, I may die from it. Oh well. He's the nutritionist.


Here are a few screenshots of a couple of my ex-guildmates playing last night lolx.






This is acutally one of them using a blader skill. I'm standing on the 'balcony' so u can imagine how high he actually went lolx.

Lolx... No one comment on the pic of me and chris in Cabal... haha chance for me to show off my new weapon also, but most of u duno wats Cabal -_-

I just came back from lesson. 730pm start 830pm end -_- waste of my time!!!!

On the way home, I suddenly recalled all the funny incidents that happened recently. Like my mom's response when I told her that I only had one pair of jeans, the time Chris got his hair caught in the lamp, and Sher told me mr pang's drama of 'Sam' lolx!!!!! Was smiling to myself, couldnt stop.
hehehe.

Yesterday night, Frostee was sleeping outside my door as usual (he isnt allowed to come in at night). He seemed to pick up human habits of sleeping, and he usually turns until he's leaning against the wall with his stomach facing up. It so happened that he leaned against the door and was tossing in his sleep and making scratching noises. I opened the door to see what happened and he fell backward. LOLX. Poor thing. He woke up and looked around shocked. Hope i didnt give him a heart attack.

You know, in Cabal there're a lot of cute guys chasing after me. Dont believe? Got proof xD

TA-DAH!!








xD this is just for a laugh. I've been quite moody lately. Hope everyone gets the joke xDxDxD

K... I feel better now...

Chris brought me to Sakae for dinner. I had my favourite beef sukiyaki. or sakiyuki. Whatever.. -_- something like a mini steamboat.

I want to go dungeon in Cabal.. but I'm using the uber-laggy-sure-to-dc computer. SO BORED....

My mom gave me my bill and told me to call the company to cancel the card.

Haiz. Even two cards also hard to sustain both of our spending. Now left only one card, how la...

FROM NOW ON, I MUST WORK HARD. STUDY HARD, SIT IN FRONT INSTEAD OF THE BACK AND GET MY DIPLOMA IN COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGY THEN GO TO JAMES COOK UNIVERSITY TO GET THE HONS DEGREE.

Then my parents no need work so hard le. Everytime see them work they like so not happy with what they are doing.. So stressed until face got so many frown lines.. Maybe they were happier when we were younger.. then not so much trouble and not so high maintenance fee =.=

My mom going back to work.. Actually she wan to retire le.. But everyday costs going higher n higher..

I gave my mom back one of my credit card T.T Well I have to learn how to curb my spending.. Now I every month standard spend around 1000SGD.. Everytime make up my mind to save then in the end duno how come can spend until the credit limit..

Maybe its good that I now only have one card which is in Chris' hands!! I feel so insecure now without any money!! My dad went to Mexico le, then I also dont want ask my mom or grandma for money.. my heart also pain when I ask them..

At first my mom say no more desktop cuz I play too much com then she dun wanna encourage me. But before my dad left for Mexico he say when he come back he will go with me to buy.. He so nice to me.. Wad I wan he just buy..

Today, I talk to my mom.. She show me my last month bill for one card only. 400SGD..

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE STOP ME FROM SPLURGING...

I think I got illness. Even 1000SGD cant last until end of the month. At the last week confirm penniless.

At first I tot I can do it.. I can spend as little as possible then remove some burden off my mom. BUT. I forgot about Chris -_-

My dog lying down and looking at the wall. LOL. Duno what he doing also =.=

Had lesson just now. Usually its just 1 and a half hours but today was the FULL 3 HOURS. Almost died. Luckily it was quite interesting lolx.. Last lesson the lecturer talk about sexual motivation.

Today talk about this guy called Carl Rogers (I forgot his name -_-|| had to google his first name to find it). He's one of the best counsellors in the 1950s. Last time all the counsellors (except him and those who followed his therapy, known as Person-centered Therapy) are really pigs. They thought the world of themselves and went by the textbook instead of by the client.

Ah anyway. On the train home, there was a woman beside me carrying a snakeskin bag. Even typing out the word gives me the creeps. I noticed it and I was like wtf, I tot it was a real snake. I was cringing and trying my best not to look at it the whole way home. Even when it brushed against me I felt my hair stand. Those who're close to me should know I'm only terrified of one thing and thats snakes. Especially that stupid Jon who has a snake as his desktop wallpaper and refuses to change it.

Speaking of which, I had a dream about him. He ask me go to the prom with him -_- because his girlfriend was too young -_-|||||||||| and if you read the previous posts, it had a bad light on Chris. Again.

He'll be back soon, so I'd better stop blogging.

I finished packing my room yesterday till late because I had a feeling I wouldnt be able to fall asleep. I sorted thru the drawers that gab and I shared. I saw a few things that made me happy but I also saw thing that made me dfangry.

All those letters. That Matthew sent to her. After he two-time me with her. She came between me and bensee also, with Bryan also.

Haiz. No use to think about them anymore. I still miss Matthew sometimes though.

Been easily annoyed these few days. Dont know why also. Especially with Chris. I cant help it also. Hormones? Zz... Yeah, sooner or later they'll drive him away..

Can't live without him but can't live with him either..

I keep having weird weird weird weird WEIRD dreams. Of OTHER guys.

I've never once had a good dream about Chris. If I do dream of him, its bad.

I see other guys in my dreams and instinct just tells me that they're good for me. And in my dreams with them I'm happy, whereas in my dreams with Chris, he treats me like hell and of course I'm unhappy.

I told him about it because he saw the first line of my post when I was typing it. He said not to make anything out of it. Well okay I guess I'll try. Just that those dreams are recurring ones. And I wake up feeling doubtful of him.

Last night, I had the ultimate dream. I dreamt of bensee. Omg. How many years ago was that bensee phase? 4 years ago! 4 years ago I finally managed to forget him. In my dream I said something that I'm ashamed of to say here. Chris'll kill me if he found out.

Omg bensee ... LOL.... Sher, Belle, Xiufeng and Jon should know this phase very VERY well... Lolz....

--------------------------------------------

I just had a damn big scolding from my mom about Chris. WALAO....

I put 'my' pic up in my profile =D taught by Belle lolz! Its my Cabal character <3 chio right.

Hmm... Now its after midnight, so I'll refer to just now as yesterday.

Well in the end I didnt get him anything. We spent the day clearing the room and he got a very very very bad allergic reaction too all the dust. Its been hours but he hasnt recovered yet. He keeps sneezing and his face is all red.

Anyway, we went for a movie at Cine. We watched Smilers. Its a sports comedy. And its very very nice. Recommended to watch. Its motivational and its funny too. Its a great show, but rather sad in the end.

Mmz well.. Had late dinner at Shokudo. I had my fave cream pasta with clam. Service was horrible though.

Oh well. He's going back to work as of tomorrow.

You know . . . Its funny that.. Since Chris is rarely home early, on his off days or when he's home early, I have this weird compulsion to spend every single minute with him. And if a few minutes go by without communicating with him, I get frustrated and I feel like its totally wasted time. Precious time.

He's annoyed by it. As a result, I get very clingy on him. He hates it, and I hate being so dependent on his every move. This is what I get for asking him to stay with me. I expect more and more from him.

I wish... I hadnt asked him to stay with me... I wouldnt be the crazy-for-attention person.

I guess this was a lousy bday for him. No cake. No nothing. Just one movie and a dinner. With allergic reaction to top it all off.

OMG im gonna die la tomorrow is chris bday and I FORGOT. omg im such a lousy gf.

before he left the house he say "prepare something for 12am" and i was like huh? for wat? i hope he didnt hear it -_-

i googled gifts for guys and i found one interesting idea. engraved cufflinks. with his initials. and the price was fantastic. BUT. yes, the price was great, but the shipping cost is twice the cost of the cufflinks. zzzzz. so total for the cufflinks would be 100S$. waliao. might as well go out and buy.

i would follow belle's suggestion and bake him a cake, but im all thumbs in the kitchen. of cos there's all the $$ issue. im broke~!!

haiz im so dead can. i have no idea what to get for him.

Actually... Chris off also no point... because these 3 days both of us just sit at home play com... SO SIAN. Want to go out also no money go out... now end of the month le... have to wait a couple more days for my credit card to kick in xD

I just bid for the complete collection of Friends on eBay! My long-wanted DVD set. Muahaha. I'll know if I win the bid tomorrow midnight. Hehehee. I hope I win. But the sad thing is.... a couple of days after I bid... I saw another one selling at HALF OF WHAT I BID. ZZZZ UBER SIAN. So actually even if I lose the current one also no loss xD can buy another at cheaper price..

I'm super sian now... Nothing to do.... I'm using the laggy com so I cant play Cabal properly... Dont feel like playing also...


These few days or rather these few months I feel that my heart very pain... Everytime see my sis also cannot even look at each other, I duno why she hate me so much.. I think if its because of that stupid TV show I would have just let her watch.. Its like wtf.. Can angry for so long.. Sometimes it seems that we are ok already and I try to talk to her.. she will ans but after awhile will have friction again..

She moving out I'm happy but I wish can be like last time... Everything also share everything also can talk abt.. That time Chris break up with me.... I totally dun feel like crying, I just feel angry.. Then that time I just talk to her then I ok le.. And now its like whenever we make eye contact we will straight away look away.. Then she also lost weight, I'm sure my mom also got notice..

but aiya post like that also no point because she also dont care about anything..


this whole post is about ...

HOW SIAN I AM...

Cheers..